


Retainer Swap

by RoaringTurtle



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Incorrect Quotes, chapter 5 has a spoiler so be careful, so does chapter 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-08-13 05:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoaringTurtle/pseuds/RoaringTurtle
Summary: Incorrect Quotes of an AU where the retainers serve a different lord





	1. Claude & Hubert

**Claude:** So I was thinking we could put a little something in the other house’s meals to get an edge in the mock battle.

**Hubert:** Of course. I already put a laxative in the meals of the most threatening members of the other houses, and that should go into effect the afternoon of the mock battle. And I also put it in Lorenz’s dinner, just so we can deny accountability, obviously.

**Claude:** Damn. I was just going to put a fake spider on their breakfast to freak them out, but you’re hardcore. I love it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kinda made a whole fic around this one pair, so here is my shameless plug for Pair of Schemers (https://archiveofourown.org/works/20537468/chapters/48747293)


	2. Claude & Dedue

**Claude** **:** Yo, Dedue, can you pour me a glass of tea?

**Dedue** **:** Yes, your highness. I brought  Almyran Pine Needles Tea, since I know you enjoy that.

**Claude, tearing up** **:** It’s just so nice that someone actually listens to what I say, for once.


	3. Dimitri & Hubert

**Child!Dimitri:** Hubert, I must thank you. After the loss of my parents to those assassins, it was nice to have you at my side. You were my rock, and helped me find my way out of the darkness.

**Child but probably looks 20!Hubert:** It is only natural for a retainer to assist his master.

**Dimitri:** And I am very glad that you didn’t do anything drastic in my grief, especially since I know how much you wanted revenge.

**Hubert:** About that, your highness…

**Messenger:** Marquess von Vestra, we have eliminated all those who originate from Duscar, as per your instructions!

**Hubert:**

**Dimitri:**

**Hubert, sweating:**  
****

**Dimitri:** HUBERT!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a perfectly good reason for Hubert to be the Marquess of Vestra despite living in the Kingdom. You see,


	4. Dimitri & Hilda

**Dimitri:** Hilda, I finished cleaning your axe, returned those books to the library, and have your afternoon tea ready!

**Hilda:** Aren’t you such a dear! Can you massage my shoulders while I drink too?”

**Dimitri:** Of course! After all the work you do for me, you must be exhausted! Speaking of which, did you send those extra troops to House  Gautier? They are in dire need of aid to hold off the Sveng invasion.

**Hilda, who forgot entirely:** O-Obviously, Dimitri, how could I possibly forget something so important? Now if you excuse me, I need to go do somethi- I mean I need to- I’m just gonna go, okay?   
****

**Dimitri:** What a dutiful retainer…


	5. Edelgard & Dedue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are spoilers below

**Edelgard:** So… I’m sorry my mother and uncle caused the genocide of your people...

**Dedue:** Worry not, it was in the past, and you had nothing to do with it. It is more important that you are remorseful, so another tragedy like that would never happen, and that you want to bring those who did it to justice.

**Edelgard:** Thank you, Dedue. It eases my mind that you hold no grudges. But I also have another confession. I accidently stepped on one of the flowers you were tending to.  
****

**Dedue:** yoU DID WHAT!?


	6. Edelgard & Hilda

**Edelgard:** Hilda, can you explain why you called the Prime Minister, “a waste of perfectly good oxygen,” in public?

**Hilda:** But Edelgard! He was insulting you! I couldn’t just let him get away with that!

**Edelgard, touched:** Really? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you. You were only trying to protect me…

**Guard 1 in the background:** I could’ve sworn it was because he refused to give her the last cookie at the ball.   
****

**Guard 2:** Shhh!


	7. Edelgard & ...Nardel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally got around to finishing Verdant Wind, and guess who Claude introduced as his retainer? I would've made a Dimitri one but Azure Moon doesn't have the best retainer Nardel or the best General Nader...

**Edelgard: **So you claim to be my retainer…

**Nardel in a Hubert Costume: **Of course, Master Edelgard! It is I, your loyal retainer Nardel! My house has faithfully served your’s for over 1000 years!

**Edelgard: **And you most definitely aren’t the Almyran General Nader the Undefeated who we defeated twice.

**Nardel****:** Those don’t count since I made a strategic retreat!

**Edelgard: **Guards!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Pair of Schemers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20537468) by [RoaringTurtle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoaringTurtle/pseuds/RoaringTurtle)


End file.
